Because I don’t have pen and paper I am working on a personal project via this blog that no one reads because I don’t post enough. I have been so caught up in how to survive that I forgot to live. I lost my ‘pipe’ dreams that moved me forward and gave me motivation to reach them all because I was immersed in the project of paying my bills and getting by. That has left me dull and the shine has been tarnished. Now I find myself in the most scary predicament, no job, no one to help and if I don’t get something moving along in the next few days, I will be without (home, food, gas, bills…..not going to get paid) excuse me while I wipe my tears of fear right now. I have family and friends who can only offer prayers and through that I have been introduced to people that want to help, I am willing hence doing this blog. What I want in life is not to worry about finances. like just about everybody. What is really hard to imagine is what to do when I don’t have that constant worry. For a very short time I felt that way with my past job and I loved to treat others, I had confidence and felt a higher self esteem than I normally perceive myself to have. Dream jobs have been posted on this blog before and funny enough I have not gotten closer to them because of fear of ‘failure’, ‘rejection’, ‘being ignored’. I see the big picture but I am not good at the little details that make the big picture. It reminds me of just a few days ago I saw a painting a friend was starting and it looked odd and when I asked her she said it was the background that she had to put in before bringing the rest forward. She is good at details, when I saw her painting a couple of days later, I was amazed, I saw the big picture and am in awe that she knows that the little details are necessary to get to the big picture. So is this a main reason I am a failure because I suck at the little details? I go to fast, I want the finish line without all those little details, I just think miraculously I will get through them and still make it to the finish line with success. You know I studied interior design and the one thing I kept getting in trouble for was the little details. Who knew it was important to be able to cut a straight line, not me. I wanted you to get a sense of what the big picture was and overlook the little flaws, needless to say I was a designer drop out.
Dream job and I have said it before : I want to be a travel writer and host. I want to travel and explore. Sadly my last big trip I had been so tripped up with life items that affected me and followed me on my trip that I lost the zeal to write and feel and I did well with my photography but my self esteem was down even then, I thought the change would help me shake it off, but it did not. Although I must admit I love my photos. I wrote about my Vietnam trip on this blog and truly enjoyed sharing. The other idea is to have a wine and literature social bar. It would be very eclectic as I love to bring in lots of ideas. Just a place to feel free to be yourself and allow me to be the hostess I use to love to be. So why have I not achieved any of these or have I? I ran a very successful book and wine club and used my hostess abilities and loved it. I blog about my travel and very few have read it but I did it. Problem is that I have no way of making a living off of these things, so therefor I am stuck in a rut. Frankly I don’t believe in myself anymore, physically I have no self esteem. Like right now I am hiding in the dark on a beautiful day because frankly I don’t know what to do and I don’t have anything to wear to feel confident to walk outside. It is like the weight gain is a my defense armor but it also shoots down my ability to boost my self esteem and confidence. How do I reach my goals, and how do I survive the next days, weeks before I find myself living in a cardboard box under the overpass?
Interviews during this time of the year do they really occur? Do they really hire? It is has been dry and it breeds insecurity and fear like no one else. How do I push past that to move forward and realize the real dreams? Can I do this successfully? Can I achieve one of these dreams and live life again?
